October 21, 2015 |
True Champions Depression: Erin’s Depression
In this episode of True Champions Depression, we meet Erin, who is a writer, artist, and mental health advocate suffering from depression.
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In this episode of True Champions Depression, we meet Erin, who is a writer, artist, and mental health advocate suffering from depression. She shares what it has been like to suffer from depression for most of her life.
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For while the tale of how we suffer, and
how we are delighted, and
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how we may triumph is never new, it always
must be heard.
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There isn't any other tale to tell.
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It's the only light we've got in all this
darkness.
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[MUSIC]
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You know when you go to the dentist and
you have an x-ray of your tooth, and
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the dental hygienist will put this big
coat on you to
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protect you from the radiation, and it's
heavy.
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[MUSIC]
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That's what depression feels like for me,
in my body.
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[MUSIC]
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I live in London, Ontario.
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I'm a writer, artist, blogger and mental
health advocate.
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People often laugh when I say that I'm on
disability because of my depression.
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I think it would be a lot easier if I had
a broken arm and
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could say here, sign my cast.
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But instead it's, it's this chronic
condition that only I feel.
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[MUSIC]
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For as long as I can remember I felt
separate from other people.
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And I've been very attuned to the pain in
this world.
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Growing up I though that's what life was
and
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that everybody dealt with a lot of pain.
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I was so keen on appearing to be happy, I
was known as the girl who always smiled.
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In my worst moments of dealing with
depression, I felt like I was in
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quicksand, and I had this feeling all
around me that was just sucking downward.
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I thought about suicide a lot.
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And I thought about there not being much
of a future for me.
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[MUSIC]
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I'd cut myself as a teenager and around
the time that I was
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diagnosed with depression, people asked
me, oh, have you hurt yourself before?
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And I said yes, and that's sort of when I
started calling it self-harm.
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That's when I knew what that was.
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But I'd actually been hurting myself most
of my life.
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I've lost count of the number of times
I've been in hospital.
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I definitely feel like I lost my teenage
years because you know, I never dated,
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I never, went to parties or anything like
that.
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So my teenage years were, I didn't feel
like I was living.
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Around the age of 16, I became really
stuck in a crisis state,
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where I wanted to end my life, and I
reached out for help.
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And that was the first time I'd ever
thought about there actually being
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something treatable.
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I've felt suicidal before, and I've
attempted suicide.
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I've lost a friend to suicide.
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And through losing a friend to suicide,
I've learned that I matter to people,
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that it would cause a big hole in
everybody's life
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if I chose to act on my suicidal impulses.
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With my depression, especially on bad
days, I'd feel really alone.
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Over time I started talking about it more
and more, and
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I realized that I had a voice that could
help people and so and, you
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know, if you have depression and you think
about suicide sometimes, you're not alone.
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And there is help for that and you're
worth asking for help.
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You're worth, it's worth going to the
hospital if it's going to get you through
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the night and put it off.
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You don't need to hurt yourself today.
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Put it off forever.
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And I'm gonna live to be 100 years old,
and be so
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glad that I never gave up this life,
because as hard as it can be,
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it's, it's beautiful, and it's worth
fighting for.