True Champions Depression: Erin's Depression
In this episode of True Champions Depression, we meet Erin, who is a writer, artist, and mental health advocate suffering from depression.

In this episode of True Champions Depression, we meet Erin, who is a writer, artist, and mental health advocate suffering from depression. She shares what it has been like to suffer from depression for most of her life.
00:03.140 --> 00:08.150
For while the tale of how we suffer, and
how we are delighted, and
00:08.150 --> 00:13.150
how we may triumph is never new, it always
must be heard.
00:13.150 --> 00:15.620
There isn't any other tale to tell.
00:15.620 --> 00:18.186
It's the only light we've got in all this
darkness.
00:18.186 --> 00:28.186
[MUSIC]
00:31.949 --> 00:36.864
You know when you go to the dentist and
you have an x-ray of your tooth, and
00:36.864 --> 00:40.274
the dental hygienist will put this big
coat on you to
00:40.274 --> 00:43.711
protect you from the radiation, and it's
heavy.
00:43.711 --> 00:46.630
[MUSIC]
00:46.630 --> 00:49.675
That's what depression feels like for me,
in my body.
00:49.675 --> 00:52.513
[MUSIC]
00:52.513 --> 00:54.680
I live in London, Ontario.
00:54.680 --> 00:58.730
I'm a writer, artist, blogger and mental
health advocate.
01:00.620 --> 01:04.670
People often laugh when I say that I'm on
disability because of my depression.
01:04.670 --> 01:10.440
I think it would be a lot easier if I had
a broken arm and
01:10.440 --> 01:12.650
could say here, sign my cast.
01:12.650 --> 01:17.953
But instead it's, it's this chronic
condition that only I feel.
01:17.953 --> 01:24.168
[MUSIC]
01:24.168 --> 01:28.600
For as long as I can remember I felt
separate from other people.
01:28.600 --> 01:32.660
And I've been very attuned to the pain in
this world.
01:32.660 --> 01:35.835
Growing up I though that's what life was
and
01:35.835 --> 01:38.490
that everybody dealt with a lot of pain.
01:39.980 --> 01:48.140
I was so keen on appearing to be happy, I
was known as the girl who always smiled.
01:51.630 --> 01:56.120
In my worst moments of dealing with
depression, I felt like I was in
01:56.120 --> 02:00.339
quicksand, and I had this feeling all
around me that was just sucking downward.
02:01.910 --> 02:03.130
I thought about suicide a lot.
02:03.130 --> 02:08.839
And I thought about there not being much
of a future for me.
02:08.839 --> 02:13.050
[MUSIC]
02:13.050 --> 02:16.935
I'd cut myself as a teenager and around
the time that I was
02:16.935 --> 02:22.260
diagnosed with depression, people asked
me, oh, have you hurt yourself before?
02:23.340 --> 02:27.910
And I said yes, and that's sort of when I
started calling it self-harm.
02:27.910 --> 02:29.900
That's when I knew what that was.
02:29.900 --> 02:32.820
But I'd actually been hurting myself most
of my life.
02:34.050 --> 02:36.650
I've lost count of the number of times
I've been in hospital.
02:38.190 --> 02:44.450
I definitely feel like I lost my teenage
years because you know, I never dated,
02:44.450 --> 02:50.450
I never, went to parties or anything like
that.
02:50.450 --> 02:53.810
So my teenage years were, I didn't feel
like I was living.
02:54.910 --> 02:59.400
Around the age of 16, I became really
stuck in a crisis state,
02:59.400 --> 03:03.060
where I wanted to end my life, and I
reached out for help.
03:04.100 --> 03:07.360
And that was the first time I'd ever
thought about there actually being
03:07.360 --> 03:09.145
something treatable.
03:09.145 --> 03:11.980
I've felt suicidal before, and I've
attempted suicide.
03:11.980 --> 03:14.560
I've lost a friend to suicide.
03:14.560 --> 03:18.310
And through losing a friend to suicide,
I've learned that I matter to people,
03:18.310 --> 03:22.380
that it would cause a big hole in
everybody's life
03:22.380 --> 03:25.300
if I chose to act on my suicidal impulses.
03:26.880 --> 03:32.210
With my depression, especially on bad
days, I'd feel really alone.
03:32.210 --> 03:35.350
Over time I started talking about it more
and more, and
03:35.350 --> 03:40.870
I realized that I had a voice that could
help people and so and, you
03:42.300 --> 03:46.040
know, if you have depression and you think
about suicide sometimes, you're not alone.
03:46.040 --> 03:51.330
And there is help for that and you're
worth asking for help.
03:51.330 --> 03:54.210
You're worth, it's worth going to the
hospital if it's going to get you through
03:54.210 --> 03:57.150
the night and put it off.
03:57.150 --> 03:59.420
You don't need to hurt yourself today.
04:02.040 --> 04:03.020
Put it off forever.
04:03.020 --> 04:06.120
And I'm gonna live to be 100 years old,
and be so
04:06.120 --> 04:10.970
glad that I never gave up this life,
because as hard as it can be,
04:10.970 --> 04:15.020
it's, it's beautiful, and it's worth
fighting for.